Family Innovations
  • Schedule Appointment
  • Refer a Client
  • Schedule Appointment
  • Refer a Client
  • Counseling Services
  • Psychological Services
  • What to Expect
  • Find a Location
  • Separator
  • Who We Are
  • Counseling for Organizations
  • Counselor Directory
  • Community Based Counselors
  • Podcasts
  • News & Resources
  • Employment
  • FAQs
  • FI Apparel
  • Pay My Bill
  • Contact Us

3 Quick Wins in Marriage Conversation

February 15, 2017
Author: AJ Hofstetter

A Better Marriage is Within Reach.

3 Quick Wins in Conversations

Any of us who are honest will admit that we’ve been there before: That moment in marriage where you are convinced that this person you’ve decided to spend your life with will never understand you…and probably doesn’t want to.

The experts tell us that communication is everything…that without good communication we can’t have good relationships. But what else can we possible learn about communication that we haven’t already heard and applied?

Like anything else, good communication isn’t about making one decision at one point, but about making a series of decisions over and over again.

Here are some decisions you can make in your conversations with your spouse or significant other that can change communication:

 

1. Remember: They aren’t talking about you. They’re talking about themselves.

Once in a while, my wife will make a comment like, “I feel like you don’t help around the house.” Instantly my defenses go up with thoughts like, “What else do I need to do?” and “Nothing I do is ever good enough.” These thoughts usually spark some sort of reaction…and then overreaction…that comes out of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It usually takes me a while to see that she isn’t actually saying all that much about me in her statement. That doesn’t mean that I’m not guilty of letting her do much more than her share. But in that statement, she’s talking about herself…how tired she is and how much she needs a break…how she doesn’t feel seen or heard in her life.

If I listen, she eventually tells me how good it feels to be heard. There is usually something for me to take away from her comment and change about myself, but the conversation changes drastically when I let her talk about herself.

While this principle isn’t always true, it often is. Remembering it can save us a lot of undue hardship.

 

2. Spontaneous Surrender

Be willing to acknowledge, as soon as you recognize it, that you are wrong.

My wife is much better at this than I am. I often die on hills. She, however, in the midst of a discussion or argument, will say, “You’re right. I did that. That wasn’t fair.” It immediately deescalates the situation. I am disarmed and the conversation pivots toward resolution.

You aren’t always wrong. Neither is your partner. If you each decide to own your fault as soon as you see it, your conversations (and arguments) can be much more fruitful.

 

3. Touch-Talk

It’s easy to only notice nuisances and busyness. It’s easy to speak only of the urgent and of the mundane: of soccer practice and carpool schedules, dinner plans and parent/teacher conferences.

So try this: Ask your partner about their day while your hand is on their arm. Talk about the insane drivers on the highway or the unrealistic expectations from your boss while you hold their hand.

This isn’t always the right move. Sometimes your partner could see it as overwhelming or needy. Sometimes it’s a distraction from a good conversation. But when the busyness is taking control or when you need to address something a little more sensitive, sometimes “Touch-Talk” can take the conversation to a much better place.


The hardest part of communication is the gap between the message-sender and the message-receiver. Whatever steps we can take to bridge that gap can change everything about our conversations in marriage. So take the steps you need to take, and let today be the beginning of something better.

Find a Professional Counselor Today

Search by:

 

or

or

 

Find Your Counselor
  • BIO

    Jeff Cross

    MA, LMFT

    Alexandria, MN
  • BIO

    Ben Nesbitt

    MSW, LICSW

    Alexandria, MN
  • BIO

    John Anderson

    MA, LMFT

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Michelle Brown

    MA, LMFT

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Laura Doheny

    BA

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Bethany Glines

    MA, LPCC

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Jared Hibma

    MA, LPCC

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Kelli Jongekryg

    MA, LMFT

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Kassy Peterson

    MSW, LICSW

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Christine Saulsbury

    MA, LPCC

  • BIO

    Tonya Scherping

    MA, LMFT

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Candi Schmechel

    DMFT, LMFT

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Joi Simpson

    MA, LMFT

    Centerville, MN
  • BIO

    Tammy Zarn

    MA, LPC

    Balsam Lake, WI
  • BIO

    Tara Burk

    MA, LMFT

    Centerville, MN
  • BIO

    Christin Oien

    MA, LMFT

    Centerville, MN
  • BIO

    Meghan Swenson

    MA, LMFT, RPT

    Centerville, MN
  • BIO

    Sheila Anderson

    MA, LMFT

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Rebecca Blaede

    MA, LMFT

    Brooklyn Park, MN
  • BIO

    Reece Forrester

    MA, LMFT

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Shanna Frenzen

    MA, LMFT

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Lindsey Johnson

    MA, LMFT, RPT

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Stacy Johnson

    MA, LMFT

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Dr. Anna Krull

    PsyD, LPCC, LMFT

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Jeffery Schewe

    MA, LMFT

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Lee Folstad

    MS, LMFT

    Hudson, WI
  • BIO

    Steve Gray

    MA, LMFT

    Hudson, WI
  • BIO

    Lisa Helgeson

    MEd; MA LPC (WI) LPCC (MN)

    Hudson, WI
  • BIO

    Angela Siler

    MA, LMFT

    Hudson, WI
  • BIO

    Matt DeLaMatter

    MA, LPCC

    Brooklyn Park, MN
  • BIO

    Jena Garee

    MA, LMFT

    Brooklyn Park, MN
  • BIO

    Tammy Janke

    MA, LMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Jordan Johnson

    MA, LPCC (MN), LPC (WI)

    Stillwater, MN
  • BIO

    Jessica Lynch

    MA, LMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    David Runion

    MA, LMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Bill Wright

    MA, LMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Lindsey Weiler

    MS, LMFT

    Hudson, WI
  • BIO

    Karna Boynton

    MA, LMFT

    Stillwater, MN
  • BIO

    Ed Frickson

    MS, LP

    Stillwater, MN
  • BIO

    Kathy Patras Legut

    MA, LMFT (MN & WI)

    Stillwater, MN
  • BIO

    Chris Thole

    MA, LMFT

    Stillwater, MN
  • BIO

    Angela Fahey

    MA, LMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Amanda LeMay

    MA, LPCC (MN), LPC (WI)

    Hudson, WI
  • BIO

    Julie Bosacker

    MA

    Brooklyn Park, MN
  • BIO

    Kyle Schwieters

    MA, LMFT

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Val McGann

    MA, LMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Neko Vanevenhoven

    MA, LAMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Taren Dooley

    MA, LPCC

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Curt Folkestad

    MA, LMFT

    Centerville, MN
  • BIO

    Fred Toenniges

    MA, LPCC, CAC

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Amanda McManus

    MA, LMFT

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Nastassia Pavlov

    LMFT

    Brooklyn Park, MN
  • BIO

    Katherine Falk

    MA, LMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Lindsey Schultz

    MA, LPCC

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Jessie Fresse

    MS, LMFT

    Eden Prairie, MN
  • BIO

    Shanna Van Duzer

    MA

    Centerville, MN
  • BIO

    Tammy Breault

    MA, LPC

    Balsam Lake, WI
  • BIO

    Dana Ward

    MA, LMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Sarah Garcia

    MA, LMFT

    Centerville, MN
  • BIO

    Dr. Nicole Ward

    LIC. PSYCHOLOGIST

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Dr. Jonathan Hoistad

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Corinne Melling

    MS, LMFT

    Brooklyn Park, MN
  • BIO

    Alex Schultz

    MA, LPCC

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Makenna Nosbusch

    MA

    Anoka, MN
  • BIO

    Rebecca Mitchell

    MA, LADC, LMFT

    Maplewood, MN
  • BIO

    Brittany Bennett

    MA

    Centerville, MN
  • BIO

    Dr. Lisa Moen

    PsyD

    Brooklyn Park, MN
  • BIO

    Cynthia Barsness

    Psy D

    Maplewood, MN